Sometimes I’m not so Sure

Why is it that some days I am so motivated and absolutely positive of the major changes I want in my life. Away from this man that has caused me such pain for so many years, for example, and that I share no feelings of intimacy with.

Yet, sometimes I am perfectly willing to let it all sit and take care of itself.. meaning I am not willing to do anything to ruffle any feathers at the mo, so that I can be at peace in a make-believe “perfect” world. Just for the moment.

I guess I’m in DENIAL.

Happiness, contentment, peacefulness.

These are the nicest words, aren’t they? They describe what I want to feel inside me.

If I were to leave him right now, I know it would be a long long time until I would feel that in my life.

But then again, staying in this dead relationship doesn’t bring me one single step closer to it! I am really not happy in this situation, nor am I content, nor am I peaceful. Is this yo-yo of emotions normal? Who decides what is normal anymore?

*******************

Good thought: My dad will be visiting soon with his wife and my brother. Next Monday is his brithday and they will be in Orlando visiting the parks 😉 then, they head down to South Florida to visit me and my sister. It’s nice to move from being the youngest child to the “middle child” although it doesn’t apply since we didn’t grow up together.

Insight: I’ve learned that having a sibling, or two, is so so so so special! My sister is so suportive of me, and so I am faced with the fact that my child, an only child, is not going to have anyone once she’s all grown. That seems quite awful to me 😦 But my dilemma was always the fact that I never wanted children with my husband. How awful is that?

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