My Desperate Confession

I’m depressed.

I went to sleep crying last night.

I am getting fat. I am getting frustrated. Can’t it all just end?

I’ve been at home the past three days,  secluded, and just not doing a damn thing.

This weekend I actually spent it wearing the same pajamas. Not once did I get out of the house. Not once did I get pretty. Until today that is. I went to work this morning… feeling slightly better, thoughts nice and fresh after that good cry last night.

The weekend was spent doing absolutely nothing but being with my daughter (who is sick), dealing with my husband-who has just been his usual bossy self–chastising me, and doing some work on Elance.com Yes, I just got my first shot at freelancing. I have to find a way to make money on my own so I don’t have to depend on him anymore.

And that is what is so depressing. Being with the jerk, day in and day out. The complaints, for everything in the world down to the Oscars last night. Oy Vey!!!!

Everyone says, “Oh, Stick it out! You made a conscious choice to marry the guy, now live with the consequences.” I say B.S.

If I remember correctly–if my memory doesn’t fail me, and unfortunately it has been–I didn’t want to marry him. Well, not so soon anyway. I didn’t know him! I wasn’t even ready: I was merely 21!!! Living my nice, single life, and then Boom! There I am. Living at his parents. Having them all tell me what I should do.

I really am upset that I’m getting back to this point. I don’t know what to do. (Well, I do. I just keep stalling for the sake of my child). Yet, I realize every single day that goes by, that I don’t serve him with divorce papers, I am exposing my child to the bad treatment of a wife, simply because I don’t want her to suffer through the devastation of divorce.

Am I crazy?

I will be suffering through it too, again!  But, hell it would be worth it. The emotional and psychological abuse I’ve endured has me feeling as if I’ve lived in a  coffin. With nothing good to say, no one to look up to me for the work that I do, with a life worthy only of him. He reminds me I should be thankful for what he has given me. He, meaning himself, not God. I should be wanting to dress in Victoria’s Secret underwear to go into his bed…

Can you imagine???? First of all, he is so disgusting to me, the mere thought of having him look at me in sexy underwear churns my stomach. And for what? He would just simply slobber all over my neck and ear (which by the way is very disgusting) and jump on top and finish in record time. Oh yes, who the hell wants that????

For those pathetic husbands out there who think that is the way to please a woman: WAKE UP!

Your wife isn’t just dreaming about the abs on those UPS guys, she is wishing she was with a normal human being, a-n-y-o-n-e for that matter, who could make her feel loved, wanted, and desired. Who would say, “you are so not just beautiful but unique, special and I’m happy that you’re mine.” ….Who would value her opinion and respect her and ask her what her thoughts are, not just say, “What’s wrong with you?????” or, “What/who made you so cheery/talkative today??????” ….Who would want to go places with her, travel, enjoy life and its awesome pleasures, not just complain about how much she spent–buying just groceries needed anyway–or get into the tirade about “our” financial situation that “you” are contributing to if “we” decide to go and do those things… I mean come on! who wants to go to Europe or Hawaii or even to a park or a random movie?? when we have soooo many bills.  *Side note. I discovered he puts half his paycheck away in retirement funds and company stock purchases. SICKENING isn’t it?*

I need to snap out of this, and very fast!!

I was on a mission, I got sidetracked, got stumped, got beat with both fists, but I’m getting up again. The countdown can stop now because Rocky’s coming back. With A vengeance.

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