No more Abuse. Enough is Enough!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. pare

Sweeping things under the rug for all these years has taught me two things:

A) Things will never get better if you do.

B) Searching for answers and speaking with other folks has shocked me to learn there are countless others suffering domestic abuse just like me!

Domestic Abuse

Google the word abuse and a myriad of websites will inform you how Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, sexual, and so on. Even in marriage! How outrageous, but its true.

Why does it happen in a marriage? In a couple that supposedly loves each other?

Signs of physical abuse can be witnessed by many, including neighbors who overhear fights, children who hide under beds and closets, and who eventually run away, family members who turn a blind eye… And this is all bad. I pray for you as I, too, was a victim of abuse. But physical abuse. I felt the pain instantly as I was slapped for the first time as a teenager. Even more was the humiliation and pain I felt in my soul.

But what about the ones that silently suffer, with no physical evidence of torture and pain?? Never would I have imagined I’d marry someone abusive to me. Although never physically abused me, it has taken me all these years to figure out how much damage (hence abuse) he has done to me psychologically/emotionally.

Think this can’t happen? Think again.

About.com has a great article on verbal abuse. How can Someone Identify and Respond to Verbal Abuse? Found here: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/verba_abuse.htm

If you can get through the end without feeling nauseous, read the hundreds of responses!!

I could’ve written any one of them….

 

WHAT IS VERBAL ABUSE?

Well, for starters, it involves the use of language. When words are used to mistreat someone again and again, its considered abuse.

I came to the conclusion that my marriage suffered plenty of abuse as I did some research for class once. The hidden aggression, the blaming, the accusations, etc. was all listed as signs of mental abuse. The victim however, (in this case me), will feel that they are the source of the problem! So, during all those years I stood silent at his angry outbursts, his accusations of infidelity, his subtle control and manipulation of what I could or could not say/do, I never realized I wasn’t the cause nor the problem!!

Here is what http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/ has to say about verbal abuse:

“Currently, it is thought that verbal abuse may be the worst of the three principal abuse categories (physical, emotional and verbal) … Abuse is about control.”

She also adds:

“To escape it, you can take control of your own feelings and the way you communicate without trying to control the other person.”

Well, if it were only that easy.

She writes something I have discovered, something I have always guessed but was too afraid to admit:

“Love should not hurt.”

 

I can finally say I have gained control of my life again. And, I will not put up with MY HUSBAND’S ABUSE any longer.

I cannot wait to get out of this mess (called marriage) with this man. He convinced me over 15 years ago that our marriage was ordained from heaven. I’d say his message came straight from hell.

I have believed every word this man has said to me. Every instruction I have followed (down to how to cook everything from scratch and be forbidden to reheat, and not speak with anyone anywhere at any time if he is not nearby, and woe to me if I spoke with the opposite sex!).

I have trembled enough times, walked on egg shells enough, and for the silliest mistakes done, and cried enough painful tears.

LOVE ≠ HURT

You know what? I discovered that love DOES NOT HAVE TO HURT.

If it hurts you, it is wrong.

Ever seen the movie the Phantom of the Opera?

Why is it that we first feel sorry for the “Angel of Music” (the disfigured musical genius that falls “in love” with a girl in the opera house) when all he did was show his love in the worst way?

He was obsessed with Christine. He idolized her. He controlled her. He also got angry at her, cursed her, and pushed her, as she discovered what he now looked like under the mask. He forced her to go with him. And was willing to cage her up, all to “love” her…. That, my friend, is exactly how I felt, but will live with it no more. I am empowered to break those chains that once bound me.

I have come to the conclusion that these verses MUST hold true in a relationship (or else):

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
from 1st Corinthians 13:4

If this is what love is supposed to be, then what WE ARE experiencing in our abusive relationships is wrong and not TRUE LOVE.

As I get out of this once and for all, I hope to one day be an advocate for battered women, the psychologically abused ones. We DO NOT HAVE TO live with the pain inflicted from someone that “loves” us or that we attempt to love.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “No more Abuse. Enough is Enough!”

  1. Girl you are writing your heart out and good for you. I am here to unite and encourage those around me. I got out and so can you. Hope we can connect. Keep trudging forward. It gets easier.

    Like

    1. Thank you for your kind words! It’s one of those things for which there is, much like having babies, no manual available! I absolutely love and appreciate encouragement. Keeps me going so thank you 🙂

      Like

  2. Kay, I love your blog!!! I love the verse from 1st Corinthians, I , like you, often think “that’s what love is supposed to be, now if it would just come to me” Haha, well we have that with and from our children, now if we could find a man that felt the same. I am not perfect, and as a Christian, I am probably the worst, but I do believe God will work on me, and someday send someone, and if not, he will give me peace and happiness regardless. But I truly do love this post, the thought, the feeling, the words, you said so many things I wanted to and I think and feel, but couldn’t find the words or the way like you did. I admire and congratulate you for putting your story out there as well. It isn’t easy, but I believe it helps, especially when you get support from other women that have been there, to not feel alone is a huge deal. And so, thank you for writing, I need to get back to writing my blog, and you gave me the push. Keep writing, we should collaborate, or speak sometime if you would like. I think a support system in times like these is vital. I personally don’t have one lol, my counselor keeps telling me to “find one” as though that just happens, but you are right about the scars. It will take time to heal completely over this type of abuse, trust and comfort, I believe will take quite some time to come back. But this forum, the release, and the encouragement, it helps more than we may realize at first. Thank you again Kay, you are a survivor, and an amazingly strong woman to have gotten out, and then to open up to the world about your experience. 🙂 much love and prayers your way!!!

    Heather

    Like

    1. Thank *you* dear. You’re such an angel (you even look like one!) I have encountered people in my life that are as kind as you but the unfortunate thing is they’ve all suffered in one form or the other… I often wonder why that is. Why, for instance, does my sweet, sweet aunt have to endure health issues and infidelity from her husband? And why, again, did my sweet mentor and friend have to get cancer twice and need a tracheotomy making her more susceptible to illness and die before turning 60? I may never know the answee to these because there seems to be no logical explanation, but I’d sure like to ask Him 🙂

      But I do know one thing, they’ve all shined brightly, much like stars, and made life in this world full of hope. Keep smiling and being that light for others, especially the little ones. They notice.

      I want to send you a great big virtual hug to encourage you and to thank you. Your words mean a lot to me too. I look forward to reading more of your blogs!

      Sincerely,
      Kay

      Like

Leave a Reply. Thanks a mill!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s