Does forgiving really make any difference?
“What am I talking about?” You ask.
Should we stay angry and even bitter toward them for a lifetime? What is the point?
I have personally struggled with forgiveness, especially when it comes to forgiving him for all the damage he has done to me. But, the more I held on to that contempt in my heart, the worse I felt.
When we had a talk, some time back, I wanted to express that I forgave him and his behavior, so it could provide me with peace and closure. However, this sent him on his usual rant about several things: how I never cared enough about him, how insensitive I was to his “need,” and how I stayed out late many times without informing him of my whereabouts.
I made it a point to stay calm, not defending myself, nor explaining how I did nothing but take not just good care, but excellent care of him, our household, and our child.
I cooked ALL his favorite meals from scratch, as was his preference (never mind mine), picked up after him, as he is a slob – doing all the cleaning up, all the laundering, not one single time did he lift a finger.
Did not even bother to explain why his “need” meant nothing to me because for 10 long years that is ALL I did…take care of his need (never mind mine!).
Didn’t matter that I never got excited in anticipation of lovemaking, never got wet, never got turned on by him, but I dutifully did it because our religion commanded me to be the loving-supportive-submissive wife for as long as we both shall live. Yes, he reminded me of that every chance he could.
And no, I did not respond to the accusations of staying out late during class nights, or when I was with friends, because this happened AFTER I woke up from my nightmare, AFTER I made a point to snap out of this nightmare of marriage. This happened at the end!
And yes, I felt I did not need to have someone monitor me anymore.
I’d HAD enough.
First of all, within those first ten years, I felt trapped; I could not go out and lost my desire to attend college because the threats/arguments, the guilt trips, caused me too much emotional strain. He would accuse me incessantly of sleeping with classmates (must have been his insecurities) and of ignoring him while I attempted to study (another insecurity, I gathered).
But, what I did say to him was needed for my own healing.
I said I was sorry.
I’m no angel; far, far from it. So I asked for forgiveness.
This was instrumental in providing closure and freeing my inner soul—thereby releasing all the angry and remorseful emotions I held within me.
Whether he forgives me or not, I do not know. And does it matter?