Does forgiving make any difference??

Does forgiving really make any difference?


“What am I talking about?” You ask.

Our STBXs.

Should we stay angry and even bitter toward them for a lifetime? What is the point?

I have personally struggled with forgiveness, especially when it comes to forgiving him for all the damage he has done to me. But, the more I held on to that contempt in my heart, the worse I felt.

When we had a talk, some time back, I wanted to express that I forgave him and his behavior, so it could provide me with peace and closure. However, this sent him on his usual rant about several things: how I never cared enough about him, how insensitive I was to his “need,” and how I stayed out late many times without informing him of my whereabouts.

I made it a point to stay calm, not defending myself, nor explaining how I did nothing but take not just good care, but excellent care of him, our household, and our child.

I cooked ALL his favorite meals from scratch, as was his preference (never mind mine), picked up after him, as he is a slob – doing all the cleaning up, all the laundering, not one single time did he lift a finger.

Did not even bother to explain why his “need” meant nothing to me because for 10 long years that is ALL I did…take care of his need (never mind mine!).

Didn’t matter that I never got excited in anticipation of lovemaking, never got wet, never got turned on by him, but I dutifully did it because our religion commanded me to be the loving-supportive-submissive wife for as long as we both shall live. Yes, he reminded me of that every chance he could.

And no, I did not respond to the accusations of staying out late during class nights, or when I was with friends, because this happened AFTER I woke up from my nightmare, AFTER I made a point to snap out of this nightmare of marriage. This happened at the end!

And yes, I felt I did not need to have someone monitor me anymore.

I’d HAD enough.

First of all, within those first ten years, I felt trapped; I could not go out and lost my desire to attend college because the threats/arguments, the guilt trips, caused me too much emotional strain. He would accuse me incessantly of sleeping with classmates (must have been his insecurities) and of ignoring him while I attempted to study (another insecurity, I gathered).

But, what I did say to him was needed for my own healing.

I said I was sorry.

I’m no angel; far, far from it. So I asked for forgiveness.


This was instrumental in providing closure and freeing my inner soul—thereby releasing all the angry and remorseful emotions I held within me.

Whether he forgives me or not, I do not know. And does it matter?


4 thoughts on “Does forgiving make any difference??”

  1. It’s weird to say but it’s something that should not matter but does matter. It matters because chances are you still have to interact with him. If you never saw him again, then no it wouldn’t but that’s not the case. Since you have to interact with him and since he will be interacting with your child it does matter because him not forgiving you effects his view of you, which you knowing that he doesn’t forgive you effects your view of him. In the end though its what can you live with? Can you live with him not forgiving you? And then seeing and interacting with him?


    1. Thank you so much for your feedback. I agree wholeheartedly. It does affect the relationship we must have because of the one thing in common we will always have.

      I hope he does forgive me and the way he’s mellowed out let’s me know he does (well, at least I want to believe that!). He has made a few comments like “how will I live without you?” And “Its hard to figure things out on my own.” So I know he’s finally realized he took it all for granted. But even then, it doesn’t make me want him back in my life.

      In the end we must remain congenial toward each other for her sake.
      Thanks again!


  2. Not sure it does matter. Of course, it would be ideal for both people to own up to and apologize for their bit and for both to work towards forgiveness. Yet, you cannot control his thoughts or actions. Do what you need to for you.


    1. Thank you for your feedback!! I did feel the need to not only apologize but to also forgive him. I guess for my own peace of mind. How can we go on with animosity, right? That wouldn’t work.

      I can only say that I tried.
      Thanks again!


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