Regrets and Lists

Daily Shoot 06.12.10 [Unfinished]

I made a list and I love my list.

Lists keep me in check.

Lists are helpful at work to keep track of tasks too among other things. But the lists I make benefit me the most when I run into idle moments.

Regrets happen to also come to mind when there are idle moments.

I’ve had such moments and thankfully I can whip out my handy dandy list (for us parents who watched too much Nickelodeon with our babies) and be reminded. See, the contents of such lists are essential in time.

During my planning stages of leaving my spouse, (and this is important) I got a boatload of tips. Tips from friends, from other professionals, from others who’ve gone through the hassle of divorce, even Google searches offered more and more tips. Things like how to get and save money without partner knowing (it was money I earned btw), how to dissuade partner, how to ignore your outrageous partner, how to do things in order to avoid questions or problems later, etc. etc.

So I made a list of those tips I liked and went back to them when I needed them.

I made one list a few years back about all the things he did to me that hurt me. And I’m not talking about an occasional disagreement or silly fight. I’m talking about the times when he made me feel worthless, stupid or embarrassed in front of others just for show.

Narcissists are well known for that.

The times when I was yelled at for calling him at work for a simple work-related question, scolded for speaking another language in front of him and showing no compassion (he despised the fact that I did and he didn’t -and always assumed we spoke of him! Wrong Mr. Narcissist jerk). And the many things I was prohibited from doing (Yes! But was I married to a man or a father figure?). And on and on.

Well, aside from that original list I also made another one, and this is imperative, of the reasons why I needed to set myself apart from this man.

See, I decided long ago to steer FAR FAR away from negative people. If anyone does any kind of damage or wounds my soul; if what I’m hearing from our conversation gets me down more often than not, it does not warrant a relationship with that person, and it is permanently cut from my life.

I am done allowing people to hurt me and getting away with it. I will not lose sleep over it while they laugh away like idiots.

I am done with fools dictating what I should or shouldn’t do/feel/say. Talk to the hand.

It is nobody’s business what I do with my life, or my work, or my friends, or my child or my hair for that matter.

Even if its a friend or a relative and all I’m hearing is “Why didn’t you just do this, you should have!” Or, “How come you’re doing it that way, this is easy!”

What’s the matter with people??

The usual suspects don’t have a clue anyway what it’s like to walk in my shoes! So therefore their opinionated talks become meaningless to me. In fact it does the opposite. The more they tell me what to do or point out faults or offer more than their two cents, the less I listen. And obviously the more they whine about how I should run my life with subtle insults the more I stay away from them.

Negative folks make me run the opposite way.

My ex was one of those negative people.

The more negativity I heard the less I trusted him with my feelings or my life.

And so I decided to take charge of my life back. I weeded out those negative fools from my life. And boy am I glad.

That original list comes in quite handy now when I’m having moments of regret. And those can come at all hours of the day, they can come at the weirdest times.

Whenever I’m feeling down, like missing my daughter (we have started our schedules), or just simply feeling like maybe I threw in the towel too soon without putting enough effort in my marriage (or any number of reasons why we feel like cowards or quitters), that’s when I bring out the list.

And once I read up on it and I’m reminded by my own words why I should leave the fool, I know I did the right thing. Another decade with someone who steps all over me is just no longer an option.

Why be around people who drag you down?

Regrets? Nah. Not while I have the handy dandy list.

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